I want to write a poem
about spending the day at the beach
with you.
But I can’t.
Love is more than poems
about every time we spend together.
Maybe love is appreciating the sand
that was stuck between my toes
and the sunburn
that reminds me I’m alive
when the water from the shower
sends shivers through my nerves.
And maybe our love could survive
the silence.
Posted by Nathan on June 8, 2008
Tags: Uncategorized
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I wonder if the last two lines of this stanza might need to be separated from the rest. They seem to be saying something important, yet not quite related to the rest of this stanza. I think I’d get rid of the “And,” too. You could expand upon the idea a little if you wanted, but I like that these two lines seem to bring the poem back around to the “silence” of being unable to write a poem about one’s love.
How about “Unspoken Serenade?” I love your romantic poems, Nathan. You always come across gentle and warm without being sentimental. I like Meagan’s idea about dropping “and” from the last lines and I think the last line of the first stanza would be stronger without “every.”
i am thinking, but, in the meantime, like this stanza–2 very uncomfortable experiences that remind you of love…
i love to think of titles, but struggling here–trying to grasp all your meaning…it’s kind of captured in the last line…how about: “surviving the silence”?
Your poems do not convince me that there is the emotion of love is going on.
I want to let you taste my attempt at this art of word crafting that expresses the subject of love. See what you think.
The Hillock
I wish she were here from home to there
when lightly as keeps the memory still
When before, such a time we had
she passed with the fragrance of
morning mown hay the sun in her hair
She sang to the tin whistle danced to the drum
the beat of the bodhran
I want to return to walk with her there
her lilting way, skipping along
to the relentless beat
through the heather deep
up a gentle slope to the grassy hillock
her panting sweet breath
as she comes to rest
on the blanket and green
I kiss the back of her moist neck
A giggle she strikes pushing me off
unbalanced I roll and sputter
sand adhering to lips and moist skin
facing and following I retreat from my surprise
the hold-off complete
I wish I would sing to her this day, for she holds so
much for me, to romp from grass to beach and sand
To rush back and forth as the foam of the sea
plays tag with our hearts, this fair lass and me
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